The One That Got Away?

We all have that one person that our brain just keeps bringing us back to, whether grounded in reality or not. For me, that person lives in my dreams, literally. 

I started crushing on him in the third grade. Oh, yes, he was my childhood crush. From about 3rd to 6th grade, I denied all accusations against my feelings for him. This was because a lot of my friends liked him and I didn’t want to seem like just another in the gaggle. Meanwhile, I was secretly drawing hearts around his yearbook picture. You know those silly things we all do when we’re ten years old and have a crush? Well, I distinctly remember keeping a piece of Spearmint Orbit gum he gave me, storing it in my jewelry box for years. We were pretty good friends and I definitely flirted quite a bit, but he was always being chased by so many girls. The summer after sixth grade, I dreamed about him for the first time. Now, my dreams can get pretty ridiculous, but the parts with him were fairly straight-forward. I wanted to be his girl. I had a few dreams that summer featuring my one and only.

Once we entered junior high school, I knew there’d be a lot of new pretty faces for him to fall for. It wasn’t long before I could tell he had a crush on one of my friends. I couldn’t ignore the chemistry that they had, so I helped make it happen. No seventh grade relationship is forever, so the earlier it started, the quicker we’d all get over it, right? That’s exactly what happened. No one was really surprised that the whole thing didn’t last much longer than two weeks. Once again, he was off the market. During all this time, he kept popping up in my dreams. These were my favorite dreams to have, no doubt. Eight grade rolls around and we start hanging out in different circles. I wasn’t discouraged by this; we still had a few classes together. Too quickly, however, he started dating someone new. Surely, this would be the same as last time. No eighth grade relationship lasts forever, right? Wrong.

Eighth blends into ninth and I’m past it now. I have my sights on someone else. This time, my crush is one of my closest friends and for a while he crushed back. We date… but as most ninth grade things go, it ends. Tenth, eleventh, twelfth… my “dream” guy is still with his girlfriend. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not hanging around all these years, waiting for them to break up. I’ve got my own set of friends, love interests, and boyfriends. I just couldn’t believe that they’ve been able to stay together for almost five years. The two of us weren’t friends anymore. We barely had two conversations all throughout high school. The only thing that kept me thinking about him was the fact that he kept reappearing in my dreams. Let me make one thing clear – these dreams aren’t romantic in nature. It may have started that way, but got less and less so over time. I couldn’t explain why he kept appearing, but it happened a few times each year.

Graduating high school was the last time I really saw him. We went to separate colleges and kept living our own lives. Freshman year, he disappeared from my dreams altogether. Perhaps this was because I didn’t seem him in the halls every day. Then, in May of 2013, he showed up. I don’t understand, but I found it amusing, so I started keeping track. I wrote down the dates of the dreams I remember him appearing in. Often, I would get a few in couple of weeks and then nothing for several months. Here’s the pattern if you’re curious:

2013: 5/29, 6/18, 6/24, 12/15, 12/20

2014: 1/3, 3/26, 5/13, 11/1

2015: 1/4, 1/26, 3/10

2016: 2/15, 3/12, 3/27, 4/4, 6/20, 6/26

2017: 3/10, 4/15, 5/2

Obviously, I don’t remember my dreams every night, so it could have been more than this… but I think I’m better off not knowing how often. He hasn’t appeared in any of my dreams for about five months now, but that doesn’t mean I’m in the clear. At this point, I haven’t seen him for more than five years and he’s still with the girl he started dating in eighth grade (crazy right!?). I know basically nothing about the person he is today. Still, my brain keeps bringing him back to me. I doubt I’ll ever know why. Maybe it’s because I crushed on him for several years and then never had a chance because he’s been taken since we were fourteen. Who’s to say we won’t ever see each other again, but I’m not sure that I really care. We have little to nothing in common, just that we grew up in the same place, went to the same schools, and for a while in elementary school were sorta good friends. He looks happy and I’m glad that his relationship is working out. They’re destined to get married and have really adorable babies.

For now, I guess it’s a bit entertaining to see if he returns in my dreams. I just wish I understood my brain, but I guess don’t we all? It also makes me wonder if I’m the subject of someone else’s recurring dreams and just don’t know it….